Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
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[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Every. Damn. Time.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you