Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
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BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
BETRAYAL
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right