The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
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kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
that colleague who touches your screen
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.