[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
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Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
But wait…
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.