I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
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Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.