There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.