Now they’ll never find me…๐๐๐ป
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employer: if youโre sick donโt come to work so you donโt spread the germs!
employee: iโm sick
employer: how sick?
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My coworkers think Iโm always busy but Iโm really just trying to remember my password.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luckโฆ
I have a meeting at the bank later and if itโs a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
Iโm so excited I can barely put on my ski maskโฆ
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I donโt think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell theyโre having a good time by their screams.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
OK, Iโm ready for Senior Mints now.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
More like Kate Missington.