“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
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Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.