I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*