I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
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a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body