“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Baller is short for ballerina
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!