What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Does your wife know you’re single?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Okay me first
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day