I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
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The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier