ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball