My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
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Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it