[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.