i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
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Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
me when the borders lift
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary