The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
You Might Also Like
and now we wait
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.