LOOOOOOL
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[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Bond. Trauma bond.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
spicy snake
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this