🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
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I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Not recommended for beginners.
me when i see my girls butt
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs