Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
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[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
let’s discuss
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone