An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
😬
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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