Going into Monday like
You Might Also Like
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Fight
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.