An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
so, is there a mister shapen head
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me