My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
You Might Also Like
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people