The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend