What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I’ve had relationships like this
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.