I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
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My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Flowers bee like
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Worst bar ever.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake