I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush