goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
You Might Also Like
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*