*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you