hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”