ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Actually cracking up @ this
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.