Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
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You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”