And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot