[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
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There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Need WebMD
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.