My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom