We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
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Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Banking tips
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position