Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer