No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.