INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
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Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.