Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
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power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty