Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this