Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”