When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Breaking news:
Heroic Misunderstanding
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.