New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office