In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
plant them where lol
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king