Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
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Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
and this one
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…