[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
At least my masseuse has my back.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”