You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Raisins are grape jerky.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!